We Do They Don't
by cresmoon
Summary: Eugene and Rapunzel are finally getting married.  And not everyone is happy about it.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Eugene and Rapunzel are finally getting married. And not everyone is happy about it.

Note* - A series of shorts leading up the wedding of Eugene and Rapunzel; I'll add to them as I get inspired, but I may or may not continue this series.

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><p>We Do (They Don't)<p>

The captain of the Corona guards eyed his troops wearily. It was going to be a long day.

"Straighten your helmet, Rogers."

"Yes, sir!"

"Stand up straight, Wilmington."

"Sir!"

"Conli?"

"Sir, I mean, yes sir!" Conli cried, ever so timidly. The boy really still hadn't grown in his backbone. Either that or he slumped over so much, it fell out of his back while he wasn't looking.

The captain sighed. "You don't have to squeak like some sort of mouse every time I call your name, Conli. I'm not going to bite you. I was just going to tell you to move a little to your left – you're practically standing on Hardwick's foot there."

Meekly, Conli did as asked.

"At ease, gentlemen." Best to get this over with as soon as possible.

The captain cleared his throat. "Now men, I've called you all here today for a very important reason. It's occurred to me that there are well, uh, certain concerns going around the kingdom about, well, the princess's upcoming wedding."

The captain paused dramatically, expecting one of the recruits to interrupt but no one did.

"I know you all have, er, _questions_ about, well, things so no reason to hold them off any longer, let's just get to them so we can deal with this and have it out of the way."

One of the younger recruits looked hesitant. "Sir…so it's true then? The princess is really going to marry Flynn Rider?"

All the soldiers looked at their fearless leader, desperate to chime in. But of course they knew better to talk while the captain tried to answer a question.

The captain blew out his breath. "Yes, it's true," he admitted. "Apparently the princess's_...experiences_ with Rider aren't exactly as criminally mischievous as they were before when he was a thief." He wrinkled his nose contemptuously.

"Now I know this whole thing is very sudden and unexpected, but she insists that _Eugene_ is now on the track to solid redemption. Additionally, the King and Queen have given him a full pardon for all his crimes...however _extensive _as they may be," he added mutinously, almost to himself.

Well, one must let bygones be bygones, then again. "Therefore, like it or not, we must abide by their wishes and treat him as one of the royal family to be."

Conli raised his hand. "Um…sir?"

"Yes, Conli, what is it?" At least the boy was finally speaking up. Good. It had taken him almost three months after he joined to speak up for the first time.

"I – I have a question about a certain matter, of, um, possible impropriety."

"Oh, for goodness sake Conli, kindly discuss your etiquette questions with one of the royal handmaidens. We've got important business to discuss here!"

"No, no, it's not that!" Conli hurriedly added. "I just, well, that is, I wanted to know-well, um-"

"Spit it out, boy!"

"Er, Mr. Rider invited me to his bachelor party at the Snuggly Duckling. Would it be, er, inappropriate if I – I go?"

The captain blinked.

Unbelievable! He himself could barely stand the obnoxious punk that was Rider, and here Conli was going to go to his _bachelor party_?

Not knowing what to say, the captain shook his head and looked around the room. The expressions on his recruits' faces ranged from shock to amusement to outright mirth. In fact he could've sworn he'd just heard someone snicker.

"Do whatever you feel like doing, Conli. And since you're there, make sure Rider doesn't make off with any of the silver, okay?"

"I don't believe the Snuggly Duckling has any silver, sir," piped in Hardwick rather earnestly. "More like tarnished copper."

"And rusty steel."

"Trees, too. Did you see that place? So weird, tree branches everywhere! How can anyone even drink in there much less eat when you can't even sit at the bar without getting hit in the face by a maple branch, I swear one of the branches had ferrets on it, too-"

"And birds! Was it birds? Crows, I think-"

"Ferrets? Skunks? All kinds of crazy animals in there, how can anyone even stand to set foot in the place-"

"That's nothing, you think that's bad, you see the barrels with the green tails in it? Ugh! Snakes or eels, I'm not sure..."

"Enough!" The captain stormed irritably. "I don't care what they're eating with or sitting on or drinking from or what forms of wildlife are currently keeping them company in there. Conli, just keep an eye on Rider and make sure to nab him the second you see him doing anything suspicious, understand? Yes, Hardison, what is it?"

"Should Conli arrest Rider if he leaves the toilet seat up, sir?"

"Or he belches while he's having his mead?"

"Or, er, _makes wind_ after he's had his bean soup?"

"Or whistles at the barmaids?"

"He can't do that, he might as well arrest every single thug in the pub, then!"

The captain covered his head with his hands. Yes, this was going to be a _very_ long day.


	2. Chapter 2

Writer's note: I've come to the sad realization that my stories get far more favorites than reviews. Oh, well. Thanks to everyone who DID review the first chapter. To Reverend Lovejoy, I figured you'd review a guards-related fic but this isn't a guard-centered fic, just to warn you. Lots of characters will make appearances in this.

Spoiler for _Tangled Ever After_in this, in case that sort of thing concerns you.

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><p>Eugene stood in the large foyer of the castle hall, fidgeting. This was going to be a tough decision to announce.<p>

"Well, Rider?" asked Hook-Hand, sounding annoyed.

"Yeah, well?" Shorty, Big Nose, Bruiser, Killer, Tor, Vladimir, Gunther and Attila all chimed in, almost simultaneously.

They'd all been standing in the hall for over an hour now. Eventually they were going to need an answer.

Eugene squirmed, sighing inwardly. Why had he agreed to do this exactly?

And what had made him think delivering the news in the castle - near guards who'd cheerfully and gleefully ignore him if the thugs started beating him to a pulp - was any better than telling them in the Snuggly Duckling?

(Well, at least this way his remains could be buried on castle property after things got out of hand - instead of being chucked into the river for carrion beetles to feed on.)

Eugene cleared his throat nervously. "I - I want you all to know that this has not been an easy decision." He paused awkwardly.

The thugs merely looked back at him as stonily as the Stabbington brothers had looked at him on that fateful day so many months ago.

"And just because I decide _not _to go with you does not – in any way - mean I don't, er, value your qualifications for this position, or think very highly of you as a person otherwise."

Eugene was pleased that sentence had come out exactly as he'd rehearsed it in front of his mirror a thousand times. Thank goodness. Finally all those stupid royal diplomacy lessons were good for something.

Crushing a thug's heart was never easy. Especially when it involved not one, but several thugs. With arms the size of tree trunks. And hooks. And piercing accessories so sharp, they could gut him like a fish.

Yes, the thugs' growing agitation was apparent.

"Get on with it, Rider!"

"Yeah!"

"Who's it gonna be? I ain't got all day, I got ribs to crush!"

Eugene cleared his throat again. "My final decision is...Shorty."

Shorty nearly jumped out of his (adult? geriatric?) diaper in jubilance. "Woo-hoo!"

As for the others...

"WHAT?"

"Him?"

"What's he got I haven't got?"

"I'm gonna _kill_ you, Rider!" (Well, to be fair, his name _was _Killer).

Eugene frantically waved his arms, trying to get them to calm down and signal the guards outside the hall at the same time. Which accomplished nothing since all the guards did was poke in their heads disinterestedly and then go right back to what they'd been doing.

Oh, dear.

Eugene tried not to whimper. He hadn't whimpered since he was a child. He was going to be the future Prince Consort of Corona, for goodness sake. Prince Consorts didn't whimper! Rapunzel's future husband shouldn't whimper!

There was no whimpering in Corona!

"I have weighed my options very, very carefully and I truly think that Shorty is the right man for the job."

Well, not exactly. He _had_ weighed the decision very carefully. In fact, his checklist had looked something like this:

1. Must not start a brawl of any kind with anyone whatsoever in the least (eliminated virtually most of the thugs)

2. Must not get overly friendly with any of the ladies, including the barmaids (again, eliminated most all the thugs, but especially Big Nose who'd recently broken up with his girlfriend and was now more prone to chatting up all ladies, young, old, older, or very very old)

3. Must not steal anything from the reception, the castle, the guests, the guards, or any of the royal pets/animals attending (again, eliminating all the thugs, but especially Vladimir if he found out about the Queen's vast crystal unicorn collection)

4. Must not make rude, obscene, or incendiary gestures or unfriendly sounds of any kind, particularly ones that originated bodily (again, eliminated most all the thugs)

5. Must avoid the King and Queen and the Captain of the guards at all costs for assorted reasons (but really because despite Rapunzel's repeated insisting that the thugs were safe and her friends, they still scared the hell out of the Queen)

6. Must have good table manners or fake them reasonably well enough to make it all the way through the reception (manners weren't really a thug's strong suit)

7. Must _still_ be alive by the time the wedding day arrived and _stay _alive throughout the entire wedding day till it ends (this one was important, as any of the thugs could feasibly kill, be killed, or kill each other before the big day - eliminating all of them, especially Killer)

Virtually none of the thugs fit the entire list of qualifications. Leading Eugene to choose Shorty purely out of default because Shorty would probably show up to the church so drunk, he'd pass out before the ceremony began and Eugene wouldn't need to worry about him.

Sadly, the rest of the thugs would probably not see it that way.

Which was clearly evident now, as Big Nose was crying (crying? _really?_) while the rest of them were looking positively homocidal.

In desperation, Eugene tried to soothe their ruffled feathers (leathers?) "Guys, please understand," he wheedled. "This is a royal wedding. There are considerations I have to think of here. There'll be a lot of important people there-"

"And _we're_ not important?," flared Hook-Hand. Uh-oh. "If it weren't for us, your skinny posterior would still be sitting in the dungeons!"

"No, he'd be headless!"

"Yeah! You think they'd let the princess marry you without a head?"

"They were going to hang him, not take his head off, a noose around his neck-"

"You think they'd let the princess marry you without a neck?"

"I don't think his neck is-"

"I JUST DON'T WANT ANYONE MAKING A BAD IMPRESSION OR UPSETTING ANYONE OR DISRUPTING THE CEREMONY, OKAY! THE KING AND QUEEN ARE UPSET ENOUGH ABOUT THE WEDDING AS IT IS!" Eugene yelled before he had a chance to stop himself.

Oh, _dear _dear.

All the thugs slowly turned to face Eugene. (Except for Shorty, who had left and was inevitably off getting more drunk somewhere.)

The strange thing was that they didn't look angry anymore. Well, except for Hook-Hand but Eugene figured 'angry' was probably his default expression anyway.

No, they actually looked..._sad_.

Thugs could be sad. Thugs had dreams _and _feelings. Who knew?

"So, we're an embarrassment to you, is that it?"

"You're ashamed of us, aren't you, Rider?"

"Come on, guys," said Vladimir in a wounded voice. "I know I'm not wanted here." He started toward the castle doors.

"Yeah, me too."

"So you're a suck-up now, that's it, isn't it? Think you're too good for us? I think I liked you better when you were a thief, Rider."

"Me, too."

"Don't think we're going to show up for your wedding now."

"Well, except for Diaper Boy, the traitor...where did he go off to anyway?"

"Eh, who cares..."

Eugene stood sputtering helplessly as they all stomped out the castle doors.

Sigh.

A few seconds later, the Queen surreptitiously came into the hall. "Are they finally gone?" She looked nervously around the empty room.

Eugene nodded resignedly.

"I take it it didn't go as well as you'd hoped?"

"Not really, no."

"So," The Queen licked her lips nervously "this doesn't mean...does this mean they won't come to the wedding?" Her tone sounded rather hopeful.

"I guess not," said Eugene, feeling rather deflated.

Rapunzel was not going to like this. Not at all.

And as if that wasn't bad enough…

"Uh, Eugene?" The Queen said tentatively as she held up something she'd just picked up off the floor. "Dare I ask what _this _is?" She held the object up between her thumb and forefinger, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

Frowning, Eugene took it from her and looked at it. A giant gold diaper pin.

Terrific. Shorty had apparently been so excited about being Eugene's best man, he'd danced his diaper right off. So now aside from Corona's entire thug population being royally ticked off, there was a very old, balding drunk with fake wings running around flashing everyone in the kingdom on sight.

Eugene put his hands over his head. This was going to be a _very_ long day.


	3. Chapter 3

The Oversight

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><p>Emilia Thorne, the royal head secretary in the castle of Corona, smiled to herself. A very smug, superior smile.<p>

It wasn't that Emilia was a harsh person, or one who looked forward to tearing other people down. No, really, she was a good person.

But when it came to the pompous Captain of the guards, well, Emilia didn't mind in indulging in a little bit of revenge. No, not at all. Normally, her strict upbringing frowned upon such things, but not in this case.

If anyone deserved to be knocked down a few pegs, it was definitely the Captain, pompous blowhard that he was.

And speak of the devil…

Captain Ennis walked into her cramped office in the castle. The Captain had on his face a look of confusion mixed with…something else. He almost looked pleased. Why would the Captain be pleased about visiting the royal head secretary?

Emilia resisted the urge to smile maliciously. Good. It meant her plan was working so far.

Emilia had to admit that her plan was two-fold, and it was rather cruel. Revenge had to be cruel, after all (cruel really was much better than cold). First, make the Captain think their appointment was about pleasure, not business (that she'd finally reconsidered his offer to court her after rejecting him repeatedly for months).

Second, and even better: let the leader of all imbeciles know what an imbecile he really was.

The Captain, appraising Emilia boldly, almost lasciviously, took a seat at Emilia's desk without even greeting her, much less being asked to sit down. What a gentleman.

Another sign of his gentlemanliness – lighting his pipe in her space even though he knew Emilia despised all type of tobacco. There was just no end to his good qualities.

Emilia was the first to speak. "I suppose you know why you're here, Ennis?" If he wasn't going to bother with social niceties, well, neither was she.

The Captain smiled arrogantly. "I suppose you've changed your mind?" He leaned forward suggestively.

Emilia resisted the urge to laugh in his face. Not yet, not yet. "Hardly."

Now the Captain's expression changed from pleased to confused. "Then why did you ask to see me?"

It was Emilia's turn to smile. Coldly. Arrogantly.

For months now, Emilia had been in charge of helping to plan the royal wedding. Flowers, guests, cake, ice sculptures, coordinating everything had been her responsibility, right down to making sure that no, er, double-booking took place.

But of course she couldn't be in charge of everything, particularly matters that were outside her latitude and jurisdiction; after all, weren't those types of things handled by the people who were supposed to be handling them instead of her?

Security and handling the prisoners in the dungeon, for instance, were not her department. Emilia knew she should leave these particular matters to the Captain of the guards of Corona.

Emilia leaned forward and wordlessly tossed her appointment book to the Captain. "Are you aware the date on which the royal wedding is to take place, Ennis?"

Ennis looked at her as though she were crazy. "Of course. Two weeks from today."

Emilia went in for the kill. "Then tell me something: why on earth would you _possibly_ schedule the Stabbingtons' execution to take place on the same day as the wedding?"

Emilia sat back now, not bothering to hide her satisfied smile as she watched the blood literally drain from the Captain's face.

"WHAT?"

"Check the prison schedule book yourself, Captain. As per your own scheduling, the Stabbingtons were to be executed the third day of the third week of the next month after the sentencing. That's _this_ month, Ennis, and it falls on the same day as the princess and Eugene Fitzherbert's wedding. The _exact_ same day."

Ennis snatched the book off her desk and thumbed through it frantically, his jaw scraping the floor. He found the appropriate page and read and confirmed the news.

"Uh, I, wha-" He looked up at Emilia now, on his face a look of utterly cold fury. "How could you let this happen?"

"_Me_, let it happen?" snapped Emilia, outraged. "You are the one in charge of keeping your execution scheduling straight, Captain. You! You dare pin this on me?"

Ennis's eyes narrowed. "You're the head royal secretary!"

"A secretary in charge of appointments for the castle only, you jerk! You know very well what goes on in the prisons is not my department, it's what _you're_ in charge of! Not only that, but this wedding date has been set for over a year! The execution date was set only a few weeks ago and it was _your_ responsibility to make sure it wouldn't conflict with any other important events, such as, oh, I don't know_, the princess's wedding_?"

Glaring at her, the Captain was at a loss for a comeback. He took out his handkerchief slowly and wiped the sweat off his face. "What am I supposed to?" he murmured numbly, more to himself than to Emilia.

Emilia shrugged coolly. "Oh, I don't know," she said sarcastically. "Go to their majesties and explain there's been a little oversight? The kingdom's worst criminals have to die the same day she's GETTING MARRIED? I'm sure the king and queen will love that." She crossed her arms across her chest.

Ennis looked up at Emilia helplessly. "Emilia, you've got to help me."

"Not a chance."

"But – but," he sputtered. "How am I going to explain this to their highnesses? They'll have my head for this!"

"As well they should."

The Captain started pacing around her narrow office. "What am I going to do? We can't schedule the execution before the wedding – there's not enough time, too much to do, besides it'll appear in poor taste to the visiting royal guests and dignitaries." He stopped pacing and looked at Emilia wildly. "But we can't do it after the wedding, either! The king insisted those two not be allowed to live another second past their scheduled execution date! We can't have them locked up any longer after that, posing a threat to escape!"

Emilia examined her fingernails, bored. "Got quite a problem there, don't you, Ennis?," she said sardonically. "Why can't you just leave them in the dungeons?"

(She knew the answer to that question, of course. She just wanted to needle him.)

"Leave them there? Are you out of your wits, woman? I can't leave them unguarded down there while the ENTIRE REST OF THE KINGDOM is attending the wedding! They'll escape and burn the palace down and us down with it!"

He was practically having a temper tantrum now. And Emilia was enjoying every second of it.

"Emilia, please," he pleaded. "You have to help me! You're the secretary, you know about these things! What am I supposed to do?"

Now he was pleading. This was just getting better and better.

Emilia snickered. "Bring them to the wedding."

"Bring them to the – what?"

Emilia shrugged completely indifferently. "Well, what's two more guests? I'm sure we can find a nice place for them at the reception hall," she said sarcastically. "I'm _sure_ the king and queen won't mind them sharing a table with the very criminals who almost sold their lost daughter into slavery, well, as long as they know not to pick their teeth at the table," she sneered.

The Captain buried his head in his arms. He was really, really starting to hate this wedding.

He was starting to hate it more than Rider himself, and that was really saying something.

Without another word, Emilia stood up. "Now if you'll excuse me, Ennis, unlike you, I won't be losing my employment soon, so I have a lot to do. Kindly get out of my office and go see the king. Given the circumstances, you don't want to be late for his appointment with him now, do you?"

He looked at her fearfully. "Appointment with the king? What appointment? I don't have an appointment to see the king."

"Well, I thought you'd want to discuss this, er, _oversight_ with his majesty as soon as possible, so I took the liberty of scheduling you an appointment with him…in ten minutes," said Emilia sweetly. She got up and held the door open for him. "Bye-bye now, Captain."

Stymied, not knowing what else to say, he got up and started toward the door.

"Oh, and Captain?"

He turned to look at Emilia as she flashed a final, cruel parting smile. "Good luck."

He left, slamming the door as hard as he could.

Emilia chortled. The kingdom's most wanted goons present at the big day? This was going to be the best wedding day ever.

Revenge was indeed just as sweet as she'd hoped it would be.


	4. Chapter 4

Queen Anne looked up from her book as her husband Edward, King of Corona, walked into the room looking absolutely exhausted.

The queen put her book down. "Long day?"

"Something like that," muttered the king.

"So on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being least, how much do you want to talk about it?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe a minus 100?" said Ed sarcastically.

Anne frowned. "It can't possibly be _that_ bad."

"It's about the wedding."

"Oh, okay, it _is_ that bad."

"Bad, worse, worst and beyond."

The queen sighed and put her book down, putting her arms around her weary husband. "What could possibly have gone wrong now?"

"It's not so much of _what _could go wrong but in _what order_ you want to hear about _everything_ that has gone wrong. Any preferences?"

The queen smirked wryly. "Just start at the beginning."

The king blew out his breath. "Well, for starters, the florist is sure that Maximus is allergic to the flowers the chameleon is throwing during the walk down the aisle. But it's too late to get other flowers because it's too late to get them from outside the kingdom."

"Is that all?"

"…The model for the ice sculpture never showed up, so I told the royal secretary to tell the sculptor to use the first man she sees walk through the door. And it turned out to be the drunk little old man with the diaper…only _without _his diaper. The sculptor nearly had a seizure."

The queen opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, closed it again. "Please tell me we will _not_ be displaying an ice sculpture of a drunk, naked old man with fake wings and a bow and arrow to over 1000 of our nearest and dearest, including the neighboring royal kingdoms."

"We won't be," said the king wearily. "It'll be of a _diaper-wearing_ drunk old man with fake wings and a bow and arrow."

"…"

"They found another diaper for him to wear, though I have to wonder what on earth was old cupid man doing at the castle in the first place."

"He, er, is going to be Eugene's best man," said the queen as delicately as she could.

"…I'm not even going to ask about that."

"And for that, I will love you forever."

The king took a deep breath. "I had yet _another_ meeting with one of the royal advisors and he insists that if Eugene marries Rapunzel, he's going to move to one of the neighboring countries."

"Sounds like good news to me."

Edward scratched his beard thoughtfully. "Well, yes, maybe, except this advisor owes the Captain of the guards money so if he leaves, we'll never hear the end of it from the Captain."

The queen snorted. "The Captain does tend to hold ridiculous grudges."

"No kidding."

Ed winced as he was about to deliver the next piece of bad news. "I don't know any easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. If you're going to kill me over it, please make sure I'm buried in clean underwear."

"Okay, spill it."

The king cringed. "The Stabbingtons are going to be at the wedding…and at the reception."

_**"WHAT?"**_

More wincing from the king. "Do make sure not to have your good china out that day or any of your crystal unicorns. Although I don't really think unicorns are those brutes' type of thing."

"What in the hell happened?"

The king groaned. "Blame the Captain again, although he swears it was the head royal secretary's fault."

Anne gritted her teeth. "I'm not going to ask about it now, but how about we kill them both along with the Stabbingtons?"

"Maybe we can get some type of burial discount, like a 4-for-1 deal."

"I'll look into it."

"And we can make that nice Conli chap the new Captain."

"…Isn't he afraid of his own shadow?"

"At least he doesn't have the intelligence quotient of a walnut, which I'm not sure we can say about the Captain anymore."

"Touché."

The king sighed. "How much worse do you think it's going to get?"

The queen frowned. "Isn't the Stabbingtons the worst of it?"

"Uh, well, of sorts. But there is one other thing I haven't told you about yet. Not everyone exactly approves of this wedding taking place."

"Well, I know that," said the queen. "It's pretty obvious from most of the reactions of the royal advisors, plus some nobles abroad."

"Um, that's not exactly what I mean."

Anne raised her eyebrows. "Oh? What do you mean?"

Wordlessly, Edward took out a folded piece of parchment and handed it to his wife.

The queen took it from him, unfolding it. "What is this?"

"I think it speaks for itself, really."

The queen scanned the parchment. "It's a petition demanding Eugene shouldn't marry Rapunzel." There was awe in the queen's voice.

"Yup, pretty much."

"Signed by the royal advisors and a bunch of others…what is their problem with Eugene anyway?"

More sighing from the king. "Well, the advisors still think Eugene is a good-for-nothing thief who should be locked up instead of being allowed to marry the princess."

"And the fact that he saved Rapunzel's life counts for nothing?"

"I tried to explain that to them."

"And?"

Edward shook his head helplessly. "They _still_ seem to think Rapunzel would be better off marrying the deaf goat-herder or one-armed organ grinder than someone like Eugene."

The queen snorted. "Ridiculous."

"I know. The organ grinder is nearly a foot shorter than Rapunzel!"

"Maybe he's a dwarf."

"Didn't all of them leave Corona ages ago?"

Shaking her head, the queen looked back at the petition. She pointed to a bunch of names she didn't recognize. "Who are they?"

"Um, maids and other women in the kingdom."

"And their problem with Eugene is?"

"He, er, used to court them. Court being the least bawdy word I can find to describe what they used to do."

"Ah."

"Yes."

The queen looked at the parchment again, not sure if what she was seeing was right. Perhaps she needed glasses. "Is that…is that a _hoofprint_?"

"Yes, yes it is. From Maximus. He can't sign it so he decided to ink his hoofprint and stamp his paw on there, though I think the Captain offered to sign it for him. And here I thought the Captain didn't know how to spell 'Maximus.'"

"But I thought Maximus _liked _Eugene now!"

"_Like_ is a bit of loose term. I think Maximus tolerates Eugene more than he used to but when it comes to Rapunzel, I'm still not sure Maximus approves of Eugene becoming her husband yet."

"…We're discussing whether a horse approves of our daughter's marriage."

"Yup."

"_A horse_."

"That's pretty much how it's going at the moment, really."

The queen put her head in her hands. She needed a cold compress.

And a nice, soothing cup of tea.

Maybe a relaxing hot bath.

And possibly some very strong sedatives. Yes, those would be _very_ nice indeed. Maybe she and her husband could split a bottle of those with some wine. Or maybe a LOT of wine.

"What do you say," said Anne in a strained voice "that we tell Eugene to take Rapunzel off to that island and elope? And not come back to this insane kingdom _ever again_?"

"…Well, that depends."

Anne looked at him, puzzled. "On what?"

Edward looked up hopefully at his wife. "Can we go with them?"


	5. Chapter 5

Note: Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed so far. I'm having fun writing this series but it probably will never get to the actual wedding - that's what _Tangled Ever After_ is for. I'm finding it far more interesting to write about the mishaps leading up to the wedding.

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><p>"<em>Bonjour, bonjour, mon cherie<em>!" The oily Frenchman seized Rapunzel's hand and leaned over to kiss it while Eugene darkly looked on.

Rapunzel giggled as Pierre, Corona's most famous artist, smooched her hand, but Eugene could barely keep himself from launching at the pompous painter to pummel him to a pulp.

"Er, ay-lo, Monsieur Rider," he added as an afterthought to Eugene in his most dismissive voice as if Eugene were a cockroach under his shoe.

Eugene glared at Pierre, gritting his teeth. "My name is _Eugene_," he said menacingly.

"But of course, of course, _merde_, did I not just say that?" The Frenchman sounded completely bored and insincere. Clapping his hands together, he smiled broadly at Rapunzel. "Ready to pose for your portrait, your highness?"

Eugene might as well not even have been in the room. Or been part of the furniture. Or one of the ugly metal sculptures in the corner.

Gritting his teeth further, Eugene possessively wrapped his arm around Rapunzel's waist very tightly. "_We_ are ready for _our _portrait for _our _wedding day." He spat out the words as he glared very pointedly at Pierre.

"Naturally, monsieur, naturally," murmured Pierre as Rapunzel, scowling, shot Eugene a what-are-you-doing look and shook his arm off her waist. Eugene just shrugged back grumpily.

"If you will follow me, please." Pierre ushered them into the posing room of his studio.

Rapunzel had been thrilled to meet Corona's most famous artist several months ago. Finally, she had a chance to discuss art with another human being. Paint! Brushes! Painting on something besides walls! Rapunzel had been beside herself with excitement.

Eugene, not so much. Oh, he was happy Rapunzel finally had someone else to talk to about her hobby, of course he was. But Pierre was an ass, always keeping Rapunzel away to talk about stupid things like what paintbrush hair should be made of (?) and trying to weasel in on Eugene and Rapunzel's conversations when they were out in the village square.

Eugene just knew, _knew _that Pierre had it out for Eugene and was trying to steal Rapunzel away from him. Not that he could prove it, of course, and not that it was going to happen anyway. But Pierre continued to fawn all over Rapunzel and be a jerk to 'Monsieur Rider.'

"I was thinking, what are your thoughts on posing for ze picture, your majesty?" Pierre asked in a completely polite, subdued tone of voice. "Have you given any thought to how you and your, er, betrothed would like to do zees?"

"Oh, gosh, I don't know," said Rapunzel. "We haven't really talked about it much, have we, Eugene?"

_If Pierre the skunk had his way I probably wouldn't be in this picture at all_, thought Eugene huffily. _Or I'd be painted with three heads. Or a tail like Maximus's. Or completely green, like the frog._

"Just paint us together. And be sure to get my nose right." Eugene hated the idea of a portrait of them hung in the square anyway. He didn't trust any artist in this kingdom – except for Rapunzel, of course – and that list certainly included pew-pew Pierre.

Pierre narrowed his eyes. "Your nose, monsieur?"

"Yeah, nose," said Eugene sarcastically. "You know, that long, pointy thing in the middle of your face? The one you keep sticking into other people's business when it's not wanted?"

Looking mortified, Rapunzel shot Eugene a _really-what-the-hell-do-you-think-you're-doing_ look but Eugene was fuming too much by now to care.

"I must assure you, _monsieur_, zat when it comes to portraits, painting ze nose is my forte, my _piece de resistance_," said Pierre haughtily as he lifted up his chin. "You shall not be disappointed, I promise you of zees."

"Of course, of course, I'm sorry, Pierre," Rapunzel jumped in quickly, glaring at Eugene. "Eugene is just worried about his nose. No one could ever get it right before."

Pierre snickered. "Well, to be fair, _mon cherie_, a _wanted_ poster eez not the best thing to have one's nose featured on, would you not agree?" The Frenchman guffawed heartily. Rapunzel weakly joined in laughing, though at least she looked guilty about it.

Eugene was just about to kill poohead Pierre, pardon or no pardon, when Rapunzel said "We have a lot of other business to attend to today, Pierre, for the wedding, you know. Can we go ahead and get started now?"

"But of course, your highness, anything for you." He swept himself into a bow, practically falling at Rapunzel's feet. "How about I paint ze two of you holding hands and looking at each other?"

That actually sounded like a great idea. Eugene narrowed his eyes. What was the catch?

"That sounds great!," cried Rapunzel excitedly.

"Is that all?," asked Eugene suspiciously. "Just the two of us looking at each other, holding hands?"

Pierre shrugged, looking indifferent. "Oui, if zat eez what your majesties desire, it shall be an honor and my utmost pleasure." He steered them both gently by the arms in front of his easel. "Now, please face each other and join hands and try to remain still till I'm finished."

Beaming, Rapunzel gazed at Eugene, clasping his hands in hers. Eugene gazed back at her.

Maybe the slippery-tongued snoot wasn't so bad after all.

_**two hours later**  
><em>

"_Voila_! _Fini!_" Pierre polished off the painting with a dramatic stroke, then tossed his paintbrush into his water can with a flourish.

"Wonderful! Can we see it?" Rapunzel stretched her arms while Eugene tried to get the feeling going back in his feet.

"Oh, no, no, I'm afraid not, _mon cherie_! Not yet. It eez not completely finished. I shall ponder over ze masterpiece some more, maybe make some finishing touches first." Seeing Rapunzel's disappointed look, he quickly added, "But you shall be ze first to see it when it eez finished, I promise you."

Looking satisfied, Rapunzel threw her arms around Pierre in a hug. "Thank you so much, Pierre! We'll see you around. Come one, Eugene." She bounced out of the studio.

"Your welcome, _mon cherie_!" Pierre called after her.

"Monsieur," he added to Eugene coolly.

"Yeah, thanks," muttered Eugene as he slipped out of the studio, making sure to nick the idiot's prized mahogany paintbrush with camel hair (camel hair, really?) on his way out.

**_A few weeks later_**

Eugene stood in his wedding suit, happy as a clam, as they hoisted up his and Rapunzel's portrait in the square. The same one pew-pew Pierre had painted.

Eugene looked at the banner and the blood completely drained from his face.

Rapunzel looked perfect, naturally.

While Eugene's nose in the painting, unlike the undeniably perfect nose on his face, looked more like a long, particularly chubby piece of sausage.

"_Oh come on, they still can't get my nose right!" _


End file.
